Soon to be Fatal

I’m done with all the anguish

I’m done with all the pain

I could die at anytime

No one will even know my name

But now I couldn’t care less

Because this just isn’t living

Tired of all the cold nights

Just staring at the ceiling

I’m a pilot now, no passenger

I’m sick of little games

I’m ready to be torn apart

I’m ready for the pain

Because life is filled with suffering

There’s nowhere else to run

So I’ll just keep my head up

Ignoring blades and guns

Cause I’m not a part of that business

I just wanna create

Just want to make people laugh

Make some beats and maybe skate

People stress life too much

So I’m trying a different stance

And we’ve gotta live it honestly

So I’m giving inner-peace a chance

Gunshots or fireworks?

We asked ourselves in jest

Deep down we all know

It’s not worth all the stress

Tomorrow could be you

Today could be me

All so sick and tired

Of the bodies in the streets

Cause now they’re hitting children

A bullet for a bike?

Wish all these fiendish machinations

Would take a fucking hike

that’s not the city we reside in

Can’t just push it all away

Every trek downtown

Reminds me of the day

There was five of them

And only one of you and me

If I wasn’t so quick to the pedal

Who knows what we would be?

Was it all another setup?

Just your silly little plan?

Maybe they’re all brothers

Doing what they can?

Just making ends meet?

Just hunting for a meal?

It could be all they know?

Thought I was trying to make a deal?

I just wanted you home safely

Thats all, I really cared

But then they pulled right on me

I was truly scared

So I’m done breathing for nothing

I’m done doing things for nought

Because now I have a purpose

Thanks to these demons that I’ve fought

You can call it spiritual warfare

A battle made of wits

Now I’m blocking out the messages

I couldn’t give a shit

They might mow me down on Bancroft

Take some buckshot on Lagrange

A bullet for my valentine

That first night I should’ve stayed

He just wanted to beat my ass

Take my vacuum and my phone

Maybe if I’d given that

They wouldn’t bother me at home

Think J called in the troops

Because you were talking behind my back

Wants to turn me to a girl

Or have my neck to crack

Maybe he was just jealous

Maybe it was all set from the start

Maybe you’re out there tricking

Regardless: broke my heart.

Caught up in the spiders web

now I’m stuck with no place to go

I don’t think that winters coming

I don’t think I’ll ever see the snow

I’m wrapped up in my head

my arms are tied to my waist

With everything that’s looming

All I can do is face it

I put up a good fight

I lied through my teeth

Let dozens manipulate me

Ran till there were sores on my feet

And now I know the truth

Frankly it was always there

They never really gave a shit

I was the only one who cared

———

So now I fight for me

My words were writ with my own blood

In their eyes I’m already dead

It’s not David’s here- it’s David was

they really want me to scream

And still keep my mouth shut

But I’m not that forgiving

It’s not in my nature to just give up

So you can banish me to silence

Skin me or cut my tongue

I’ll never be your little dog

I only do what’s fun

So go ahead and bring it

Cast me to the fall

Sink me in the river

Or just fucking burn it all

Two and half years

That’s my personal best

Don’t think I’ll ever beat it

Caught up in the distress

I didn’t ignore the signs then

I’d call it like I saw

After the truth came out

I didn’t want to think of you at all

But what we had was real

Don’t think I’ll ever feel the same

Just two aching hearts begging to reignite old flames

———-

the fires got cold,

I couldn’t keep chopping on my own

And I couldn’t just forget all your transgressions

When you gave up your mobile phone

We really tried so fucking hard

Every pain was so damn real

We could never really talk

about how we truly feel

You might be my biggest regret

But I’d never give it up

Because even when I feel the most crazy

I still love you Allyson

—————

Skater girl from t, that ran away to Tennessee

Couldn’t stand the glass

so she shattered it-

including me.

The things she taught, the words she spoke.

There’s magic in the things we wrote.

Set me down a different path

Stole me with the way she laughed

saw me in my darkest times,

the cards called out; ignored the signs

Wheels of fortune, flipped and bound

my heart still skips when I hear the sound

———

Shaved head gorgeous,

you had me at hello

Taurus with the cancer drip

As peaceful as the snow

Filled my world with light

although I’ll never be enough

I hope you find your happiness

I hope you find real love

Don’t ever think you that you can’t do anything at all

You’re more powerful than the pain

You’ve risen from your fall

You’re a little joyful sprite

A pixie from the past

Every girl I’ve ever talked to is still jealous of your laugh

Because you did so many things for me

You cared more than anyone

And it hurts to know that we might never meet and have some fun

And I’ll keep fighting until my life is finally done

Because even when I’m number two

you still treat me like number one

——-

It’s okay because I know that some things were never meant to be

You stopped me from my drifting

You saved me from the sea

I could’ve drowned my pain in anger

I could’ve mangled up my face

I could’ve broken down and given up-

You put me in my place

Saved me from myself- it’s something that you truly did.

I hope your worlds filled up with the same amount of love you always give

I just really don’t deserve it.

The place you hold in your heart

You’ve don’t even really know me

Miles and miles apart

But my head just keeps on spinning when I stare up at my moon

I almost dashed across the country

Maybe it’ll happen soon?

But now you’ve found your one and I’ve found nothing else but pain

I’m panicked, I’m depressed

I don’t deserve to know your name

the best friend I’ve ever had

I know it’s weird of me to say

But I’ve never felt a stronger thing

Than when we spoke that day

——-

You always want to call me even when I think I need to be alone

You made me open up-

Revealed the things I shouldve known

My biggest ad-vo-cate in life is someone that I’ve never even met

I hope you know that with you in it-

I really do feel blessed.

Thanks for every second

You taught me about myself

Every silly joke we made

It saved my mental-health

And If I had one wish left,

flicking quarters into wells

It’d be that I could repay you for every single time you’ve helped

———

She pops them back like it’s nothing;

Hates the taste of alcohol but needs to feel something

Never feels worth unless someone else is coming

Always feels hurt- still thinks that she means nothing.

A dozen orange bottles all empty

so you hit a line

Bars run in the family;

guess it pays to hurt sometimes

You know we didn’t last a long time but

I still remember when the love shined

Remember when you broke his heart just so we could have some good times?

Remember when it used to matter when I hit you up from time to time?

———

Is it enough for us or is it enough for you?

You sat there crying in my bed from 9pm to half past 2

You never answered any questions; you couldn’t open up to me

It didn’t matter what the drug was; weed or lsd

You said you didn’t wanna leave but you still left me anyway

It didn’t matter what I said, it still don’t matter what I stay

———

And I still dream of futures with you in my life and that’s a fact

If I could do it all all again you know I’d stumble right back

(I’m stupid)

Because you just seem so empty, you always seem so cold

I want to reignite your spark,

I really want your hand to hold

Do ever think that me and you might speak when we get old?

Or do you think we’ll just fall off

and that’s the end of the show?

And if I never see your emerald eyes sparkling again

Is there a way I could maneuver?

A way that we could still be friends

I guess it doesn’t really matter,

you don’t want me in your life

Not like these dogs made of glass-

still sharpening their knives

——-

It doesn’t matter anymore,

you just need some validation.

But I can’t help responding when no one else is entertaining

You post that you’ve got no one and you get a thousand texts

Did you really care about me?

Was it really just the sex?

Do you think that if you found me-

And we both weren’t so depressed,

We could’ve lasted a whole lifetime?

We could’ve made it to our deaths?

Because I’ve talked you off 100 cliffs

Faced you down- 100 spliffs.

I know I know: you can’t be miffed

I wish that you’d just give a shit

Because Your life has value- Find a purpose

Were here for more than just the things that hurt us

With every down- another up

You’ll find the things you really love

With everything you’ve been through

I barely know how you go on

Maybe one day you’ll finally realize

just how strong you really are

Only a couple weeks deep

Thought I was for the streets

Met your dog and dad

my heart never made a peep

Used you for your body

I shouldn’t be forgiven

Got real insecure

We know that wasn’t living

girl I had you for a while

Wrapped around my finger

Now you found the one

The feelings didn’t linger

Broke so many hearts

But yours was the worst of em

Treated you like shit

Now every bodies cursing him

—————

Yeah I’m jaded- jaded

Can’t forgive myself so I’m faded-faded

Everybodies broken we can’t change it- change it

You didn’t deserve it so I’m changing-changing

Paragraphs on paragraphs im falling out myself

All this reminiscing It ain’t good for my health

Been up too many hours now my heads turned to mush

I’ll be going straight to hell

took advantage your crush

Can I ever take it back?

Undo all the wrongs?

Made it real bad

now all that’s left are these songs

You were something special

Full of so much heart

Your friends tried to warn you

Why did we ever even start?

———-

A little fairy sanctuary

I wish that it was real

I wrote so many words to try to tell you how I feel

I guess it truly wasn’t fair of me to try to make you mine

But I really hope you know I still think of you from time to time

See I had a lot of issues when I first tried to hit you up

We made so many plans but it always came to none

The shrooms, the bud, the pain and the abuse you had face?

The timing wasn’t right and you weren’t ready for the chase

And now we never speak-

I know I never cross your mind.

But in another world or life

Maybe you and me were fine?

Maybe all that shit we went through just got up and left behind?

went to that place of solace I can never seem to find?

——-

You got me through some bad times-

you don’t even really know

How you pulled me out the pit

how you helped me grow.

Now there’s azaleas and roses-

growing deep inside my heart

for things that could’ve been

When I was being torn apart

Pastel pinks and violets radiate from you like suns

Glittering through canopies

I roamed when I was young

But I know that I was selfish

and I made it very clear,

that we never had the smallest chance

Not in a million years

———

But what if I called now?

What if I tried again?

What if we couldve been more than just acquaintances and friends?

With death on the horizon

I figured I might as well just ask?

Did you think that it could happen?

Does the idea make you laugh?

Am I just another cancer

ruining things on your behalf?

It’s all what-ifs now

and it’s pretty plain to see

That I wasn’t meant for you

And you were never meant for me

But the way moves inspiring,

you force the world grow

You fight for what you care about

You don’t care if people know

And that’s what makes you special,

Wish I would’ve stayed the path

If Id spent a moment in that ring

Maybe I wouldn’t have snapped

—-

I got mixed up in some shit and yeah it really fucked me up

Couldn’t imagine that this was how it’d all end up when I was young.

Living life in paranoia, wish the end would finally come

Now I dream of death and consequence for all the stupid shit I’ve done.

——

See now I’ve got some stalkers and now I’ve got some heat-

Now I wish that I could dodge all of the danger in the streets

see now I’m going fucking psycho every time I hear a noise

it doesn’t matter, black or white it doesn’t matter girls or boys

It doesn’t matter who I trusted

it doesn’t matter who I had

because it is was it what it is

and I can’t ever take it back

I said hi to the wrong ones,

empathy pulled me to the dark

I tried to lift them all up-

I tried to unbreak all their hearts

But people never change

unless they really wanted too,

That’s why there will never be a we-

That’s why we’re stuck with me and you.

——-

You know I’d love to make you laugh again

I’d love to make you smile

But because of all of that,

I have to disappear for just a while.

So much pain in my heart and so many toxins in my lungs

I don’t know if I’m still mental or if I’m between the sights on his gun.

I hear iron in my ears and I feel lead in chest.

Am I really fucking crazy-

am I manifesting my own death?

I wish I had the chance to write it out- everything you meant.

But now my life just wastes away, like every dollar that I’ve spent

Like every shell that they sent,

like every stupid thing I said,

like every moment in my bed,

like all this bouncing in my head

And I don’t know if I can really do this any longer

I wish that I meant more to you

I wish that I was stronger.

Wish I was born somewhere else,

wish I could take you far away.

Wish that I could change the past-

Wish I could take back every day

———

It was an accident we even met

heart leapt-

a thousand leagues right out my chest, thought ignoring it was for the best

but when you lay right on my chest

I know I can’t give up just yet

Left him broken and a mess but left me feeling more than blessed.

Fuck my car- I can’t be pressed.

thats the best 800$ I’ve ever spent

——

I would fly from coast to coast and

Pick up every piece they broke

I’d Search the seas and starry skies

Just to have you here tonight

I’d hold your hands id kiss your head

Before you crept away to bed

I held you tight but not enough

The words you said- I thought you bluffed

I hope that I am not too much

I hope I make you smile enough

I hope youre happy in my arms

I hope we make it just as far…as you want

——-

And lately I’ve been a real fucking asshole no reason

I can’t blame my past or the changing of the seasons

All I can do is try to dodge these panicked feeling

All I can do is hope my heart keeps beating

I rarely feel safe- I rarely feel calm

Everyday questioning, can I go on?

Am I the protagonist- Or am I the pawn

Am I being crazy? have I been all along?

I’m dazed, I’m lost, I’m trapped- confused

Except when I lock eyes with you

Your smile shifts my every tune,

You challenged everything I knew

The darkness seeps and then consumes

But when your presence starts to bloom

The cracks light up like suns at noon

I can feel the tunnel ending soon

And when I cought a glance of you

Staring back from corner views

My heart fell out like old church pews

Then you left me right on cue

——

I would’ve flew from coast coast

Picked up every piece they broke

Searched the seas and starry skies

Just to have you one more night

I held your hands and kissed your head

Before you crept away to bed

I held you tight but not enough

The words you said- I thought you bluffed

I hope that it was all enough

I hope it wasn’t all too much

I hope I made you smile enough

I hope youre happy in his arms

I hope we made it just as far

as you wanted

———-

I followed my heart for hundreds of miles

Put my life on the line-

Ducked gun barrels and rifles

I broke off pieces of me to stitch you up

But now I realize that’s not love

And Now I realize that I’m not numb

Now I realize that I’m enough

And If if I’m ever on your tv screen-

A victim or in cuffs

Famous for my rhymes

Or filled with holes and spitting blood

If you ever find it in your heart

to see what I’ve become

If you ever feel regret-

if it fills up you up and starts to flood

Just know you had your chance to care and I wasn’t enough