I hate me too

I know you loathe my existence

Or you’re indifferent at best

But why kill me?

Why waste the breath?

I haven’t done shit

I wasn’t the one who called

So you’re gonna kill me and my family?

When none of us are even involved?

I get that you’re wicked

and do whatever you want-

But I don’t understand what the deal is?

I wish it’d just stop.

My dreams are as dead as I am-

Still there but wasting away

My head is filled up with clairvoyant

visions of pistols and blades

I could’ve been good

Or I could’ve been evil

But instead I’ll just die

As nothing at all

I haven’t slept in over twenty four hours

I don’t really know if I can

I’m drained from all the pondering

Of what I’ll become and what I can’t

I know life isn’t fair

Nothing is ever guaranteed

Except for death and taxes

and the fact I will bleed

I always just wanted a cause

Something to fight for

But I was too late to join the army

Now I’ll just be a corpse on the floor

I guess we’re all just victims

Everyone I ever knew

Now I just want to destroy

slice through the tendons and sinew

Of all those responsible

For the pain that Im forced to go through

Maybe just because they’ll do it to me

If they get half a chances

So I’m stuck in the never ending waltz to death

Theres no escape from baphomets dance

And I’ll be chopped to bits,

Or torn limb from limb

But I swear on everything in me,

I won’t just give in.

Subdue me with shots,

Make me something I’m not

I’m fucking insane

At every hour on the clock

So you’ll probably hit me when I sleep

That’s how you play the game

Cause I know you don’t take chances

When it comes to bringing on the flames

Sorry I ruined your tale

I didn’t realize what was going on until it was all too late

Goodbye to every girl I’ve loved

Even the cheaters, brought together by the fates

I didn’t treat you all perfectly

I’ve said plenty that I can’t ever take back

If we meet in another lifetime

Id treat you better than the last

Sorry to my friends

Who abandoned me without a thought

The ones who lied and the ones I lied too

I hope you don’t get caught

Sorry to everyone I’ve ever wronged

I know it’s meaningless to all you now

I’m sorry I can’t be more specific

Than I know it ends with POW-POW-POW

We all craved things like power

Filled up with lust and greed

Human nature is to search for more

than we ever truly need

It’s over for all of us now

In this dead-end zero sum game

Check mate was probably years ago

I hope we get the chance to play again

No one will see this anyway

Theres a few questions left that I have

I know that I’m gone, I know things are bad

If only after death I could see

Is it the whole country or is it just me?

People can’t even tell

what’s right in front of their eyes

They tried to paint me as crazy

An operation disguised

An empire fallen,

built on stolen land

We definitely deserve it

We’ve done a whole lot of bad

I can’t be the first victim

Of this war incorporeal

Shoving pieces together

The pictures still not whole

Destabilization keeps the masses in check

I know very soon I’ll greeted by death

The circles already complete so I’ll give them a nod

Only these question left, did I do good god?

Did I learn more than the last 23?

Did I make it much further than you expected from me?

Could you make it quick? I didn’t realize what was happening.

Was the first time we met as far back as I imagine?

Is this just the world?

Or are we on the descent?

I know it’s a little late,

but what would it take to be friends?

You’ve got plenty of talent,

it’s pretty clear to see.

From the cabinet to the street,

people are where you want them to be.

I don’t have much to offer,

But if I can see the gaps

maybe I can help fill them?

In case things collapse?

it’s such a stupid little thing

For me to suggest

He said “Execute him!”

I know that I’m dead.

But what did I do?

That brought on that moment?

I try to think back-

But the cogs in my mind are still frozen.

Did I cause something to happen?

Did I throw a wrench into this thing?

I don’t know when it happened.

Id plead but I know apologies mean nothing

I kept my mouth shut

Then things kept getting worse

I took those awful meds

I tried to cover up despite the hurt

I’m not a hero or a villain

I’m just some fucking dude

A jack of all trades

I’d do what you want me too

Call me conniving

Call me whatever you want

But I can’t outthink a whole army

I can’t undo the wrongs

You didn’t give me a single chance

I didn’t get to choose sides

I know that war isn’t fair

But could could you give me some time?

December 2nd

Exhausted every option but fighting

But it won’t be fair I know they’ll hit me from hiding

So I’ll sit on edge and swing when I can

Watch my knuckles bleed and try not to be weighed down the the hands

They push me back and forth

like a bully would in high school

The whole worlds dying

No one knows we’re under their rule

The most dangerous game

Who knows when it really started

Probably a decade in the making

Or much longer since we departed

The victors write the history

So maybe it’s always been this way

There’s no one left to trust

Except pain the I face

Sinking

As you sink into the pit sometimes it’s hard to tell it’s even happening

It’s always been too dark to see the walls

So as you look up at the sky and realize the stars are much further than you last remembered

It’s hard not to ponder how you ended up so deep

Then you look at your hands and see the dirt caked beneath your finger nails

And you swear you don’t remember making the mess you’re in

And you bumped shoulders with what you thought was a wall

But it might’ve been someone digging around you in silence

So you stumble again and again

Flailing against a pit that you can’t ever leave

There’s nothing there to build a ladder anymore

It’s just you and the darkness encapsulating

You can struggle through the current and hope it might pass

Or you can wait for someone to offer you a rope

But more likely is the unstable walls –

Will collapse and crush you underneath the weight of everything

Reaching out

It started with the wrong car

Continued with the wrong girls

Made some bad decisions

Now everything is mixed up in this mad world

Never been good at reaching out

Been getting better with time

But how do you reach out to someone

When the end is nigh?

Even if they’re ending it,

One wrong word could end it faster

So I’m searching for a sign

Not the ones you covered up with plaster

I guess I understand my status

A pawn in the foreground

Didn’t mean to step on toes

Didn’t know that it was your town

Perception got the best of me

Barely still alive

I’m used to being beat down

And running for my life

Here’s the thing about it

If you can’t hate, you can’t love

Not to say I don’t enjoy company

But it’s a selfish kind of fun

I like people that are similar

That can help me learn the ropes

But I don’t throw myself in harms way

You’ve already diminished any hope

So if you don’t trust me,

And you’ve shown I can’t trust you,

Then how can we connect?

What are we to do?

Cause I’d love to be more than victim

Or A lesson to anyone trying to change a system

I’d rather play a part than ever try to stop them

Made connections too late and I’m running low on options.

Lay it low? Play it slow?

Make sure that no one knows?

Take the chance that –

you might let me go?

But I’m cynic

and I know things will never be quite that easy

I wasn’t born one

So I can’t count on breathing

Heathen

Cut myself just to feel

Drink vodka, smoke cigarettes

Manipulate and steal

Have casual sex

Hedonistic monster

Wear a smile just as fake

As every word I breathe

I can’t escape my fate

Natural born victim

I wish it could’ve been different

Spent my whole life sinning

Now my whole world is spinning

Prayer hasn’t helped

Neither has talking

Silence is the same

Driving or walking

It makes no difference what I do

They ignore when I plead

I guess I’ll never be safe

On this earth I’m destined to leave

Every question has an answer

There was one time I wrote,

While my brain was floating

A lie to calm myself down

“Some questions don’t have answers.”

But when I look past what I told myself

Those soothing words meant to put me at ease

I understand now it was just wishful thinking

To ignore my quest for the truth

“Why? Why? Why?”

It’s got to be so draining

Questioned like a captive

Learning is my entertainment

It’s because I knew something was off

And I couldn’t flip that switch

To calm the fretting inside my mind

While you were lying in my bed

Oh pot of honey how you vexed me,

Made me question myself.

I was quick on my feet

But not fast enough in the head

To make a difference to my fate.

Now it’s all too late.

Those women have made me lose,

my future and my chance at a life.

I didn’t know it was gang shit.

I didn’t know it was all lies,

To teach me a lesson

About friends and goodbyes.

I don’t feel bad for what I did,

I don’t know if I can,

But I won’t do it again.

Not that I’ll even get a chance.

My heart wanted what it wanted,

like a lamb to the slaughter.

It betrayed me like I betrayed him,

so now death is my destination.

Listen

People always listen when I speak

But maybe they’re too blind to see

The true meaning behinds the words

Their ignorance perpetuates a curse

maybe it’s better if they don’t understand

Maybe it’s better if I just wait for shots to land

Or hope the same people that want to kill me for fun

Decide to offer me a hand?

It’s just wishful thinking

While my boat keeps on sinking

As I sing, lie, and carouse

I plummet closer towards the ground

The grave already been dug

Guess that’s the true cost of love

Slowly approaching a future

That only ends in suffering

I don’t want to die

But I’ve never had much hope for a life

I didn’t do anything to deserve this

Its just the nature of humanities purposelessness

So I don’t ask myself why,

I don’t lay back and cry,

I just wait for them to come

While I keep my brain unplugged

I’ve always been a chameleon

Coating myself in the same armor others wear

bullets don’t regard how you color your hair

When they creep up behind you and you don’t realize you’re already snared

I saw the signs 100 times, but I prefer to stick to proof

So when hundreds of fake accounts added my friends I played it cool

But now I see there was something more sinister in tow

And I walk the line between a life of violence and death row

I guess I’d rather live if I was part of someone’s clique

But all alone inside my home I know the icebergs gotta tip

And when I dream it’s of what comes after life

It fun to muse but in the end I know that’s it’s just darkness and nothing

To the girl with emerald eyes

I was doing good for just awhile

Got a little bit too nostalgic

Read all those poems I wrote for you

Now I’m spiraling deep into that pit

I wrote so many words for you-

More than anybody else.

Couldn’t believe that what we had was real,

The fact I thought I wasn’t good enough should’ve been the tell.

So as I sat there staring at the clock

Just waiting for time to pass me by

When those memories of you came flooding back

All those nights I saw you cry

I wonder if you think of me?

I wonder if it still hurts?

You gave me up so easily,

A soft face but far from curt.

It’s been months since that fateful night

With all the blood in the air, I was expecting far much worse

Maybe it was from all the tension

We’d had arguments in spurts

I still don’t know how much a part you played

But I’m glad that you’re still safe

Even if you played a role

I don’t blame you- I just blame fate

Your smiles still haunt me endlessly

I don’t know if they were fake

No longer caught in what could’ve been

It’s what WAS that brings the hate

Real feelings, but forced to act?

Am I more than a mistake?

Was I just a stepping stone for you?

Is it worth all the debate?

So many crimes, just biding time,

I miss the way your eyes would shine.

Too fragile for this crooked world,

I’ll always remember when you were mine.

Is it even worth it to think of you?

I remember when you told me to run.

It’s seemed genuine that last time we parted,

You said it was me you loved.

But I can’t shake the feeling-

there’s something more to all this mess.

Wish I could fly away and take you with me.

Far away from a city in distress.

With the chance that I could die real soon

know I’ll always hold a love for you

The way you brightened every room

And hid your pain with drugs and booze

I don’t think that I’ll die happy,

Not without you in my life.

The closest I’ve been to genuine,

If I could only kiss you one more time.

Id grab your waist and hold your face,

Take back every hateful word Ive said.

I might mean nothing to you at all,

I just had to say it before I’m dead.

I won’t

Jump off a bridge just because it’s what they want me too

It’s not the worst way to go, but drowning ain’t the move

I know it’s what I told the doctors, but it’a something I would never do

I know somethings gonna happen to me so thats why I’m leaving clues

Smiley faces, the cars are chasing, I’m seeing it all now

I wasn’t really searching, but the truths continue to compound

Snatched up, tortured, and thrown off at a random date

I didn’t mean to see the future but I understand my fate

Cold and callous, filled with malice, now I see the signs

Cells all over, my cold October, one of the best games of all time

One I never meant to play but I now I see there’s so many different players

I honestly commend all the deception, I’m similar, so it’s hard for me to hate them

I’m wowed that I’ve even made it this far, trying to find some corroboration

They use a simple tag [:)] to deceive the breadth of their operation

They play it smooth so it’s hard for anyone to really even tell

They use GHB and Ecstasy, a tactic straight from hell

The numbers, tattoos, the rest- just a part of their little game

They trick you while you’re tripping just to add to all the shame

Make you an easy target so they can double up your pain

How long you’ve been a mark makes no difference, ends the same