Unrequited

So I guess that I’ll just smoke another cigarette

Petrified by the loss that paints the walls of my mind

So I guess that I’ll just move onward with my prophecy

A self defeating one that one that points out all the things that I won’t find

Like a love that’s thats equal and grows

Like true happiness

Like keeping all my limbs and

Avoiding that which hides in the unknown

Some say that there’s a reason for everything?

Then what’s the reason for all of this suffering?

Why can’t I seem to stop the spiraling

am I destined to die with nothing but this void in my mind?

I can’t wait much longer before the cracks split wide

Half the people I know can’t tell I’m dying on the inside

They can’t see that I’m drowning from everything

They don’t get it’s impossible to fight the tide

My heart still swells when I think of you

Push me away there’s nothing really more that I can do

Yet I hold onto to the hope from the lines between

Because I’m an idiot with low self esteem

And I might die before I really get to know you

And I might die before I have the chance to see you again

And I might crash like the pillars in Ancient Greece

Would it even make a difference to you

Ready or not

We could’ve been something great

More than just a fantasy

But you’re not ready yet

And don’t know if you’ll ever be

You don’t trust your feelings

Or can’t put all of your love in me

Maybe you just want validation

While I’m stuck drifting through the sea

The waves keep crashing

Telling me to not give up

I break my own stupid heart

I wish I didn’t give a fuck

But In just a couple days,

You already mean so much to me

You help me through my paranoia

You lift me up so constantly

So what am I to do?

Let my feelings fade and die?

Forget everything I wanted?

Just waste away and cry?

I don’t know if you really love me

It’s so hard to believe that

They’re just words and emojis

I need real emotional feedback

I want to help you grow

Lift you up when you feel weak

You’re a shining light in jaded nights

now my future feels so bleak

Curtain Call

I could be killed in the streets

It could be cops or the cretins

I know they won’t cry for me

They don’t see me as human

Just an object to release

Drained dry by the leeches

I could fall into a chasm

So I never really see them

They watch where I go

So I don’t feel safe at home

It could be the delusions

Or the end of the show

Even after I go

All I know is that I don’t

And they won’t ever let me

So Ill let my problems just build up and grow

Kid Icarus with a beard

How do I become one?

Do I let blood unto sun?

Will my wings ever come back?

Or are they sealed up with wax?

Do I let fly under night skies

Or beg for the beating

Call out in anguish

Or wait to stop breathing?

But I didn’t call

It was HER ALL ALONG

Was it set from the start

I know that you knew her

I saw the cat on your shoulder

And you lied to my eyes

I never believed you

Even after goodbye

I bet you tell them it was me

Who put that poor man away

I bet you’ll never release it

I bet you’ll take it to graves

I know you’ll lie over mine

Won’t get better with time

The world should know I knew from the start

Had I listened to my heart

You wouldn’t have had the chance to cross me

I wouldn’t have given any sympathy

Its cause of you that I bleed

It because of you I can’t leave this brick prison that holds me

He’s more connected than I

I know you couldn’t have planned it

But I’ll keep on fighting

As long as I’m standing

I know that you’re a part

Your excuses never made sense

And I’m sorry to Ryan

I shouldn’t have been apprehensive

Do I feel bad for what I’ve done?

I don’t know if I can.

That’s why I want him to kill me,

So that I can finally understand

I see the thorns in your heart

I know it was you all along

Right after she drugged me

And passed out in the parking lot

If only they could see

There’s invaders on the rise

And I know that they want me

Almost no chance I’ll survive

J, C, M, or I

Who’s the one to blame?

For all of the pain

That I’m now forced to face?

Could I be reborn as one of them?

Give up on my past?

Forsake all the teachings

I’d probably just come in last

I won’t get a letter

I know I won’t get a sign

It’ll be their choice

It’s not up to me to decide

I don’t know what this is

I am the bottom of the barrel

Just choking on your love

But it’s too toxic to touch

Itll scorch the earth if it does

So keep me locked away

A tragedy

A cement covered basket case

Don’t look too hard there’s nothing left for you to see

There’s nothing left inside

A hole where a proud man once stood

doesn’t matter where I go

It doesn’t matter what they’ve done

no point in staring at the sky

No point in begging for a life

Everything In mine is a lie

And I’ve got no choice but to try

I’ll say I’m crazy

just to keep the world safe

When there’s demons in the walls

And they’re begging to escape

They want the worst of me I know

They want me broken and alone

They want to see me in my home

Or between the sights on their chrome

They want to catch me in the streets

They want no one to see me bleed

They want a travesty

And all I want is relief

But they just want me on my knees

no mouth, they beg for my screams

But they don’t see

There’s no difference between you and me

So we hide behind screens

I pop the pills without a reason

They don’t sedate me they just drive me further crazy

I hope that the damage can be undone

But I know it’s what they want

And if I choose to live longer

I have to comply

Until I get that much stronger

The world is spinning on its axis

Soon everything collapses

No one knows who’s piloting the boat

Well guess who’s met the captain

They pray for silence and misgivings

I pray for friends and forgiveness

They hope they never see me smile

I wished I was one of them for a while

A confession

I don’t really loathe you

I don’t know if you’re involved

I say all of these hateful things

Cause I’ve got problems I can’t solve

It doesn’t matter if I loved you

It doesn’t matter whats the truth

Ill lie right through my teeth

If it means there’s nothing left of me and you

I hold you on a pedestal

I’d have ignored your fragile heart

And I’d have acted like I hate you

If I knew it from the start

Don’t read into what I say too much

Ignore every single track

Truth is baby all I want

Is for you to have my back

But it’s not good for both of us

Even if we were meant to be

If suffering has to come to one of us

I’d rather it be me

So stay the fuck away

Don’t believe a word I say

I fucking hate your guts

Tell your friends I’m just a pain

Tell everybody I’m crazy

Psychotic and insane

Another delusional basket case

Self obsessed with half a brain

I never want to see you

Don’t come when I pass

Don’t believe in anything

Love will never last

You’re not the most imperfect perfection

You’re not everything I want

There’s nothing coming after me

This October isn’t haunted

I don’t care about you

I fucking never really did

I didn’t see a future

I didn’t imagine wives and kids

I would never die for you

I would never hold you dear

I wouldn’t wait for months

I won’t hold onto it for years

Because you absolutely mean nothing

Don’t read between the lines

Believe my solipsistic thoughts

I’ve got an aptitude for lies

And in the future

make sure that you never hold a place

Lock up your heart from thoughts of me

Know it’s safer for both of us if you just stay the fuck away

All the same

Blues and browns or emerald green

It’s all the same no matter who you see

The worlds so drab now, just like me

People can only pick from two personalities?

Option one is cold and distant

Vulnerable and inconsistent

Angry at life but won’t try to change it

Obsessed with death so they try to chase it

Choke down smoke and the next escape

Is it really life if you spend the whole thing baked?

Try opening up to the world at hand

And pull your head out of the sand

There’s so much more that you could see

Instead of taking shots and greed

Do your own thing and soon you could be

Inexplicably, inconceivably, unbelievably happy

Option two is just as bad

Pretending that they’re never sad

A big fake smile across their lips

And behind your backs they’re talking shit

They live for attention,

it’s all they want

Ignorant bliss

for the sycophant

The way they move is just grotesque

Manipulate others with unfathomable depths

A new persona based on how they’re dressing

Ignoring all their obvious blessings

Regardless of which one you choose,

Neither’s better than just being you

Beautiful flaws, immoral or not

The world would be better if we’d all just stop [pretending]

The final message

You lost me at goodbye

Though you never truly said it

Too busy in his bed

To answer any of my questions.

Hey, guess who’s schizophrenic?

Guess who remembers

every little hint they left and every loathsome second?

Guess who else is wishing they were breathless?

You act alone but fun fact-

MILLIONS are depressed.

What you face isn’t uncommon,

we’re all infatuated with death.

I wish I’d left-

It would’ve made things so much easier on me.

I’m not chasing any rabbits,

just cause of a little LSD.

Said “I’ll let you know.”

But you never really did.

Funny how I was safe at home

Until I gave you back your shit.

You’re a part time arsonist,

That loves burning people down.

A narcissist with guarded lips,

Wishing you were the talk of the town.

Used, used, used.

I guess I should’ve seen

Why they only ever aimed at me

Why YOU’RE safe to walk the streets.

How you never really cared,

You would’ve loved to see me bleed.

For a couple stupid fights,

I’d be gone for eternity.

You know, I still have no one.

Even less than you!

Cause I’m not pretty, I’m just witty,

 And people love to see me lose.

Well I’m lost,

Congrats to all the demons that I’ve fought.

You broke me down,

Then built me up as something with a cost.

I know that you still think of me and everything we had

You try to draw me back for validation and i find it kind of sad

But I’ve been over it since you ignored me when I was drifting on the raft

Does it really make you mad that I’m done when you let them break me into halves?

Now I’ve forsaken my closest friends,

Thanks to you I‘ve led dozens to their demise.

So I’m sorry I’m anti social now,

It just because I’m wise.

The world is a straight jacket

The world is a straight jacket

We wear it without thought

The drugs may loosen up the strings

But they’ll never be more taught

Then when you’re coming off

And coming down

The ringing in your ears profound

Remind you of the pain and shame, locked up like a hound

There is no escape from reality

You’re trapped here till the end

You can try to cover up

Using sex, violence, and your friends

They’re just a different kind of mask

They don’t really help at all

When you’re lying on your deathbed

Pretending you miss the calls

Value physical or immaterial,

you’re still stuck without a cause

Everything is temporary

Do whatever you fucking want