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A confession

I don’t really loathe you

I don’t know if you’re involved

I say all of these hateful things

Cause I’ve got problems I can’t solve

It doesn’t matter if I loved you

It doesn’t matter whats the truth

Ill lie right through my teeth

If it means there’s nothing left of me and you

I hold you on a pedestal

I’d have ignored your fragile heart

And I’d have acted like I hate you

If I knew it from the start

Don’t read into what I say too much

Ignore every single track

Truth is baby all I want

Is for you to have my back

But it’s not good for both of us

Even if we were meant to be

If suffering has to come to one of us

I’d rather it be me

So stay the fuck away

Don’t believe a word I say

I fucking hate your guts

Tell your friends I’m just a pain

Tell everybody I’m crazy

Psychotic and insane

Another delusional basket case

Self obsessed with half a brain

I never want to see you

Don’t come when I pass

Don’t believe in anything

Love will never last

You’re not the most imperfect perfection

You’re not everything I want

There’s nothing coming after me

This October isn’t haunted

I don’t care about you

I fucking never really did

I didn’t see a future

I didn’t imagine wives and kids

I would never die for you

I would never hold you dear

I wouldn’t wait for months

I won’t hold onto it for years

Because you absolutely mean nothing

Don’t read between the lines

Believe my solipsistic thoughts

I’ve got an aptitude for lies

And in the future

make sure that you never hold a place

Lock up your heart from thoughts of me

Know it’s safer for both of us if you just stay the fuck away

All the same

Blues and browns or emerald green

It’s all the same no matter who you see

The worlds so drab now, just like me

People can only pick from two personalities?

Option one is cold and distant

Vulnerable and inconsistent

Angry at life but won’t try to change it

Obsessed with death so they try to chase it

Choke down smoke and the next escape

Is it really life if you spend the whole thing baked?

Try opening up to the world at hand

And pull your head out of the sand

There’s so much more that you could see

Instead of taking shots and greed

Do your own thing and soon you could be

Inexplicably, inconceivably, unbelievably happy

Option two is just as bad

Pretending that they’re never sad

A big fake smile across their lips

And behind your backs they’re talking shit

They live for attention,

it’s all they want

Ignorant bliss

for the sycophant

The way they move is just grotesque

Manipulate others with unfathomable depths

A new persona based on how they’re dressing

Ignoring all their obvious blessings

Regardless of which one you choose,

Neither’s better than just being you

Beautiful flaws, immoral or not

The world would be better if we’d all just stop [pretending]

Two Week Love Story

She was my little Tinderella.

A little younger than I thought!

There was something about the way she she smiled-

I guess it helped that she was hot!

Met your crazy little family,

and truly I was smitten .

Made some promises I couldn’t keep.

I ripped apart your feelings.

See I used you as an outlet,

to shake the pain of my past.

No matter how strongly I felt for you

I knew we wouldn’t last.

And so I did some bad things

I took advantage of heart.

And when the snake came calling,

I bit the apple without a thought

I’m truly sorry for everything

And in my heart I’ll hold you close.

I really loved you Jordyn,

So I want you to know;

Find a place, find a home

Don’t get caught up in other people.

Find yourself, find a purpose

It could be with kids or in the steeple.

You don’t need drugs to be happy-

There’s so much more to life than that

Find forgiveness in yourself.

I hope you’ll always remember that,

Despite the short time that we spent together,

I’ve still thought of you in years apart

Every second was a good time

From the ending to the start.

So when you cross my mind I’m filled with nothing but regrets

I really loved your soul, i didn’t use you for the sex.

And It wasn’t your fault that I just up an ran away

I was scared of how I felt, how you made me feel that day

I wish I’d stayed, my life is nothing but chaos at this point

And I can’t take away the pain with just alcohol or joints

I’m sorry for ever moment of suffering and making you depressed

I’d end it all to make you happy, I’m just too filled with regret

And so I’ll keep on trudging through this little thing that we call “life”

Until someone does it for me, I’m kind of waiting for that night

All my friends can fly

I lay in bed and think of all the things that led me to this point

Lies and fights and drugs, now there’s just aching in my joints

And in my heart, beating out my arms, I don’t know where to start

I’m running from what eats me up, not getting very far

I know that I’m too cynical to ever even make a buck

I know that they all think I’m crazy and they couldn’t give a fuck

So I smoke cigarettes and wreck my lungs

On the docks, I watch the ducks

geese are my only friends when breaking down and twisted up

And no ones there for me when crumbling, the quacks don’t seem to care

They make assumptions- give prescriptions, it’s like they’re not even there

When I rattle off the things that are causing all my pain

They’re not like me, they never cared what was tearing up our brains

We go insane from all the weight, now no ones ever feeling safe

Except the ignorant, the happy, and the gods that call my name

I find nothing but repulsion in the way they handle things

It was my only way out,

now I can hear the angels sing

Good Giving Up

I’m done with all the anguish

I’m done with all the pain

I could die at anytime

No one will even know my name

But now I couldn’t care less

Because this just isn’t living

Tired of all the cold nights

Just staring at the ceiling

I’m a pilot now, no passenger

I’m sick of little games

I’m ready to be torn apart

I’m ready for the pain

Because life is filled with suffering

There’s nowhere else to run

So I’ll just keep my head up

Ignoring blades and guns

Cause I’m not a part of that business

I just wanna create

Just want to make people laugh

Make some beats and maybe skate

People stress life too much

So I’m trying a different stance

And we’ve gotta live it honestly

So I’m giving inner-peace a chance

Gunshots or Fireworks?

Gunshots or fireworks?

We asked ourselves in jest

Deep down we all know

It’s not worth all the stress

Tomorrow could be you

Today could be me

All so sick and tired

Of the bodies in the streets

Cause now they’re hitting children

A bullet for a bike?

Wish all these fiendish machinations

Would take a fucking hike

that’s not the city we reside in

Can’t just push it all away

Every trek downtown

Reminds me of the day

There was five of them

And only one of you and me

If I wasn’t so quick to the pedal

Who knows what we would be?

Was it all another setup?

Just your silly little plan?

Maybe they’re all brothers

Doing what they can?

Just making ends meet?

Just hunting for a meal?

It could be all they know?

Thought I was trying to make a deal?

I just wanted you home safely

Thats all, I really cared

But then they pulled right on me

I was truly scared

So I’m done breathing for nothing

I’m done doing things for nought

Because now I have a purpose

Thanks to these demons that I’ve fought

You can call it spiritual warfare

A battle made of wits

Now I’m blocking out the messages

I couldn’t give a shit

They might mow me down on Bancroft

Take some buckshot on Lagrange

A bullet for my valentine

That first night I should’ve stayed

He just wanted to beat my ass

Take my vacuum and my phone

Maybe if I’d given that

They wouldn’t bother me at home

Think J called in the troops

Because you were talking behind my back

Wants to turn me to a girl

Or have my neck to crack

Maybe he was just jealous

Maybe it was all set from the start

Maybe you’re out there tricking

Regardless: broke my heart.

The Spider and the Ant

Caught up in the spiders web

now I’m stuck with no place to go

I don’t think that winters coming

I don’t think I’ll ever see the snow

I’m wrapped up in my head

my arms are tied to my waist

With everything that’s looming

All I can do is face it

I put up a good fight

I lied through my teeth

Let dozens manipulate me

Ran till there were sores on my feet

And now I know the truth

Frankly it was always there

They never really gave a shit

I was the only one who cared

———

So now I fight for me

My words were writ with my own blood

In their eyes I’m already dead

It’s not David’s here- it’s David was

they really want me to scream

And still keep my mouth shut

But I’m not that forgiving

It’s not in my nature to just give up

So you can banish me to silence

Skin me or cut my tongue

I’ll never be your little dog

I only do what’s fun

So go ahead and bring it

Cast me to the fall

Sink me in the river

Or just fucking burn it all

Twin Embers

Two and half years

That’s my personal best

Don’t think I’ll ever beat it

Caught up in the distress

I didn’t ignore the signs then

I’d call it like I saw

After the truth came out

I didn’t want to think of you at all

But what we had was real

Don’t think I’ll ever feel the same

Just two aching hearts begging to reignite old flames

———-

the fires got cold,

I couldn’t keep chopping on my own

And I couldn’t just forget all your transgressions

When you gave up your mobile phone

We really tried so fucking hard

Every pain was so damn real

We could never really talk

about how we truly feel

You might be my biggest regret

But I’d never give it up

Because even when I feel the most crazy

I still love you Allyson

—————

Lily Pad

Skater girl from t, that ran away to Tennessee

Couldn’t stand the glass

so she shattered it-

including me.

The things she taught, the words she spoke.

There’s magic in the things we wrote.

Set me down a different path

Stole me with the way she laughed

saw me in my darkest times,

the cards called out; ignored the signs

Wheels of fortune, flipped and bound

my heart still skips when I hear the sound

———

Shaved head gorgeous,

you had me at hello

Taurus with the cancer drip

As peaceful as the snow

Filled my world with light

although I’ll never be enough

I hope you find your happiness

I hope you find real love

Don’t ever think you that you can’t do anything at all

You’re more powerful than the pain

You’ve risen from your fall

You’re a little joyful sprite

A pixie from the past

Every girl I’ve ever talked to is still jealous of your laugh

Because you did so many things for me

You cared more than anyone

And it hurts to know that we might never meet and have some fun

And I’ll keep fighting until my life is finally done

Because even when I’m number two

you still treat me like number one

——-

It’s okay because I know that some things were never meant to be

You stopped me from my drifting

You saved me from the sea

I could’ve drowned my pain in anger

I could’ve mangled up my face

I could’ve broken down and given up-

You put me in my place

Saved me from myself- it’s something that you truly did.

I hope your worlds filled up with the same amount of love you always give

I just really don’t deserve it.

The place you hold in your heart

You’ve don’t even really know me

Miles and miles apart

But my head just keeps on spinning when I stare up at my moon

I almost dashed across the country

Maybe it’ll happen soon?

But now you’ve found your one and I’ve found nothing else but pain

I’m panicked, I’m depressed

I don’t deserve to know your name

the best friend I’ve ever had

I know it’s weird of me to say

But I’ve never felt a stronger thing

Than when we spoke that day

——-

You always want to call me even when I think I need to be alone

You made me open up-

Revealed the things I shouldve known

My biggest ad-vo-cate in life is someone that I’ve never even met

I hope you know that with you in it-

I really do feel blessed.

Thanks for every second

You taught me about myself

Every silly joke we made

It saved my mental-health

And If I had one wish left,

flicking quarters into wells

It’d be that I could repay you for every single time you’ve helped

———